This is an old diary entry of mine from 2009, and it really captures what’s going on in my mind when I’m manic.
I went out to a club last night where a friend was DJing. I had a blast but forgot to take my anti-mania meds. I also had a flask full of vodka that I poured into the $3 cokes – 3 of them.
I did have a great time and lucky for me, only drank that vodka and it was good quality. So last night was a nice, clean drunk with no blackouts and no hangover today.
Alcohol does make me manic though. It’s fun. It’s a nice 4 hour vacation and now that I’m older I don’t go home with random guys I don’t know or make out with my female friends in bathrooms.
Today I tried to take a nap. I was really sleepy. I didn’t go to bed until 5 AM and got up at 10. Lack of sleep makes me manic too. And mania makes me lose sleep. Nice cycle huh?
As soon as my head plopped onto the pillow I could feel my rising pulse in my fingertips as I began imagining how horrible Elisabeth Fritzl must have felt every day, wondering if she had mental illness and was unable to get treatment. She was held captive in a basement for 24 years by her father, who assaulted and raped her, and she bore seven of his children. I wonder if she felt like I do today? Was she manic? Or was deeply depressed and had no escape, no relief.
I also began imagining awful things like murder and torture. My mind races with thoughts like that when I try to sleep in the state that I’m in. I try to get them out of my mind but it’s almost impossible.
I took a Xanax to calm me down. It helped a little but not enough for me to sleep.
I envy people who are able to nap.
Am I always going to write in my blog when I’m manic? It seems like I write a mile a minute when I am. And that’s when I’m motivated to write.
It’s not too bad though. I can tell I’m only mildly manic today. I was on eBay for only 10 minutes and just bought some pepper spray for $7 to replace mine that was 10 years old and rusted. That’s my main gauge: how much money I’m spending and if it’s on things I need vs. things I want.
Nevertheless, missing a dose of meds isn’t great. in 5 hours I can catch up.
Tomorrow will be better.